(Un)hindered Obedience.

Yesterday was a long day. It was full of really good things and people that I love, but it was hard. It was busy and required some flexibility on my part, but it was mostly hard because I caught another glimpse of my heart and it was not as pretty as I would like it to be. It was one of those days where there were a lot of opportunities to be involved in what God is doing here in Vickery and I was involved. I was obedient. But I was not joyful. I would say that joy is one of the characteristics that should mark a follower of Jesus. Obedience is too, but I am really good at being obedient without joy and that is not a characteristic of Jesus. "For the joy set before him, he endured the cross." (I'm paraphrasing..Hebrews 12:2). 


This is something that has marked me for some time, I think. In my bible study group, I told my "life story" once to all the girls in my group and one of the girls said something to the effect of "Jessica, you may not always want to be obedient to Jesus, but you are obedient." Something like that. And she meant it as a compliment. I get that. I also know that without joy, without love...what's the use of my obedience? It is just another thing that I am doing with no lasting value. 


Jesus keeps reminding me that my joy should be in him, that the things I do "for" him, should be out of joy and love for him. I want it to be that way. And sometimes it is. The thing with Jesus is, that he still blesses my obedience even when I am so unwilling and so frustrated when something that he asks me to do interferes with what I really want to do, which is usually something focused on myself. 


One of the sweet babies that I wrote about in my previous post has been in the hospital the last two days. From what I can understand, he has a bladder infection. I found out about this yesterday from an extended family member so I passed along word to have one of my friends (the aunt of the baby) call me later to tell me how the baby was doing. My friend, J, called me at 8:30 last night and I immediately asked about the baby (so caring of me) and she said he was okay, but could I take her to the hospital to see the baby and the baby's mom (her sister) and to drop off food for the mom. My initial, gut reaction was "I don't want to go. I don't want to drive downtown to the hospital late at night. I don't want to figure out parking. I just don't want to go." But I said yes. (me being obedient, but without joy.) And we went. And you know, it was great. We were able to see the baby and mom even though it was after visiting hours (thank you, nice nurses) and the mom was so grateful to see us and encouraged by us coming, especially because her sister and mother were able to come. It was just good. I got to hold this precious baby that has been sick and before I left I got to pray for him. This family is Hindu and they know I follow Jesus but I always want to be respectful to them and so I asked the mom "Can I pray for S before I go?" And she said "oh yes, I was going to ask you to pray before you left." What a sweet moment of being able to pray for this little baby that Jesus - Jehovah Rapha - the Lord who Heals, would heal him! And that this family was okay with me praying for him. I am so thankful that I got to be there last night. And so awed by Jesus' grace, that even in my selfishness, he still allows me to be a part of times like this. He is so good. 


So, things I am learning:
1. Jesus desires my joy, not just my obedience. 
2. That these people are my family. And if I truly believe that, I will act it out. Not only when someone else is watching or asking me about "what's it like working with refugees in Vickery?" But when it counts. When nobody else knows. When my family needs me. Whether it is just to listen, or to eat a meal together, or to give them a ride to the hospital late at night when that's not what I had planned. That is what family does. And they are my family. 


Thanks for reading, 
jess

New babies

     This week two new babies were born to families in my apartment complex. Both families are from Nepal. For one of the families, this is their first baby. For the other family, this is their third. It is always really exciting when new life enters the world. I am always amazed that we start out that little and helpless, completely dependent on others to care for us. 


     Dependence. Living in America, we are encouraged to be independent. As a woman, I feel like it's important for me to be independent and to be able to show that I can take care of myself (or at least I feel like I have been told this should be important to me.) But to be completely dependent on someone? It's been awhile since I have felt that way towards anyone. When I see these new babies or when I think about children coming into foster care who have all of a sudden been ripped away from the only family they have ever known and placed into a new family...man. I cannot imagine the confusion, how scary it is, how helpless you feel and the trust that has to be built. 


     But I think about God and how he asks us to be dependent on him and how even when he is faithful, I still fight against that and think I can somehow get through life on my own without his help. I realize that for some people the trust is not there for them. So I can only speak for myself when I say that I have seen God's faithfulness in my life and yet sometimes I still fail to trust him. I fail to trust that really his desire is for my good, that no matter what I may see as negative in my life, that he has a plan to use it for his glory and that is what matters. That the underlying truth of it all is that God is good. Even in hard things. 

Trust in the Lord with all your heart,

and do not rely on your own understanding. 

Proverbs 3:5

     When I rely/depend on others, they will fail me. If I look to others to tell me I am good enough, pretty enough, whatever, I will always fall short and spiral downwards. I know. I've done it plenty of times. But if I depend on the Lord and trust him with my life, with situations that I cannot control no matter how much I want to, he will take care of it. He will show me, again, that he is someone I can depend on. 


     New babies and practically every kid I know show me this truth all the time. They have to depend on adults to take care of them. Adults do not always do this well, of course, but the dependence these kiddos have, well, it makes me want to be like them. It reminds me of Jesus saying "Let the little children come to me. Don't stop them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. I assure you: Whoever does not welcome the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it." -Mark 10:14 I want to be like that in my faith. 


               

New baby Dunghana

Proud big sister!